“Something about Mary: Guts, Glory & the Grouse Grind”

A true story of perseverance, change, and empowerment: How I confronted procrastination and middle age with an authentic “F*CK THAT” attitude by fighting for who I am.


My conscience warned me not to surrender to negative self-image perceptions; I needed to embrace my love handles, welcome wrinkles, sprouts of random white hair and accept that I won’t fit into my favourite jeans.

My belly bump was self-earned from the countless joys of gobbling addictive chewy candies, the satisfaction of gorging on anything deep-fried and the comforts of raiding my hidden junk food cupboard.

Now, it’s time to dress and act my age; toss out those high heels in exchange for Velcro, learn to knit – not hip hop, golf instead of backpack and settle into middle age — and the fatigue and reduced energy that comes rolling with it.

This is what I told myself when I stared at my reflection a few months before my 49th birthday last year.

FUCK – THAT – ATTITUDE. What I needed more was to fight for who I am, challenge myself to become a stronger, fiercer, healthier version of me and reclaim my feisty spirit.

For the past decade I was exhausted from parenting my 9-year old son along with managing the balancing act of work, relationships, and household responsibilities.

I was struggling to find energy to mother, discipline and substitute as the play mate of my only child after a long workday and commute, in the midst of making supper, checking his math homework and sorting laundry before taking him to his next extra-curricular activity, then repeating the process the next day.

I wondered how parents with multiple children managed the chaos, whether I’d get “caught-up” with anything that required attention and if I’d ever reclaim — myself.

My daily exhaustion fuelled my passion for junk food over exercise and tendency to either binge or procrastinate, playing a part in the result of my fatigue, anxiety and lack of self-confidence.

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“Hanging On” Photo by Natalie J. McMillan.

How I feel innately reflects on how I portray myself. I lost my inner shine. I wanted to revive my energy, increase my strength and restore the power behind my confidence —through exercise.

I contemplated how I could change my habits, improve my health and embark on a fitness journey.

My ultra-marathon trail racer husband assured me I could change.

Human beings are capable of more than we think,” he told me. “It’s a test of will and perseverance when I run. My body wants to give up after the first two kilometres but I keep running. These (50K to 100k) races aren’t just for me. I do them for you and to show our son that if he pushes himself, he can do anything.”

“Oh,” I replied. I paused my Netflix episode, dropped my potato chip – sighed. Could I get out the house, stretch out my comfort zone and test the endurance of my own human spirit? 

Positive self-change is admirable, empowering; tough work requiring motivation, effort and perseverance.

My husband’s fierce determination to run his first 110K mountain-trail race, my desire to become a positive role model for our son, and my guilt (my truth in knowing I wasn’t trying my personal best) launched my butt off the couch.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I needed to prove to myself that I could do better and find ways to incorporate exercise into my daily routine.

After my last bag of potato chips, a week of shattering my self-doubt and delaying the beginning, I told myself “YES, today is the day.” I promised to make change by pushing myself to try harder.

Hell, I was aiming to blow out those FIFTY damn candles in one breath next year!

I set a date, created an exercise/food plan, recorded my body measurements and started with a 9-day challenge of eating no junk food, drinking two litres of water daily, not eating past dinner and walking 10,000+ daily steps.

I used stairs – not elevators, stood instead of sitting for desk job tasks and walked during breaks. I lost six pounds in nine days.

Posting my progress on Facebook becoming accountable on social media enabled me to push harder and I continued to set up monthly fitness challenges.

I cycled to work, ran during my son’s soccer games, swam during his swim lessons and knocked out Burpees during his judo practice.

I learned hip hop and contemporary dance, powered through infrared infused yoga, Pilates and fitness classes and pushed through intense 30-minute personal training sessions before or after my workday, On weekends, I hiked the notorious vertical 2,830 mountain stairs of the Grouse Grind.

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“Water revives.”  Photo by Natalie J. McMillan.

However, sticking to a nutritional diet was an uphill battle.

I thought about junk food every five minutes because it was ubiquitous; placed in convenient spots such as the communal office snack table, nearby cafes, fast-food joints or my kitchen cupboard.

If I craved candy, cake or Poutine, I sometimes indulged, relishing every bite but used self-talk: “Eat cake, but not every day.”

To compensate for my junk food obsession, I challenged myself to overcome my anxiety and fear of racing which led me to compete in three of “my first-ever” mountain races – the winter Grouse Grind Snowshoe Race (5km), spring Grouse Seek the Peak Race (13km) and autumn Grouse Grind Race (2.9km).

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“Seek the Peak Race: Took me 6 months to earn the guts to step to this start line”

The races were tough, painful and killer uphill. I asked myself why the hell I signed up during every race, cursed every mountain climb and was tempted to quit. 

When I met a 73-year old female racer who passed me on the Grind leg of the Seek the Peak race, I knew I needed to keep climbing – my age was not an excuse to stop trying.

I crossed the finish line, overcome with relief exclaiming, “I can’t believe I did it – me!”

After the race my son said, “Mommy, why do you keep talking about the race – uphill, uphill, uphill…blah blah blah. It’s only 13K! Daddy ran a 50K race last week.” 

I laughed, floating on my racer’s high, proud of the glory for finishing the race. I placed 34th out of 56 female racers in my age category.

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“Proud to finish: My glory in placing 34th of 56 racers in race category” (Seek the Peak Grind Race)

Exercising enhances my well-being. It reduces my anxiety, easing me into a calm state of mind; reducing my complaints about stuff I don’t have and prevents me from comparing myself in a negative light to others. 

It shifts my focus onto what I’m grateful for, enabling me to help others. With a clear perspective things are easier to manage.

By posting my truthful progress on Facebook, I made people laugh and inspired them to become active.

I was approached by the PAC leader of my son’s school while grocery shopping who told me, “I took my first 10,000 steps because of you.”

Facebook friends supported my efforts through uplifting comments, an ex-boyfriend said I resembled my twenty-year old self (really?), a friend volunteered her expertise to shoot my fitness photos and others signed up for training I believed in.

My ultra-marathoner, proud of my achievements complimented me multiple times in the bedroom, lights on.

"Jump!" Photo by Natalie McMillan.
“Jump!” Photo by Natalie J. McMillan.

Then in March this year, “spring break” brought indefinite closures of schools along with our community centres, playgrounds, libraries, fitness facilities and non-essential services. Families were advised by our government to stay home due to the Covid-19 pandemic.

My work, parenting and fitness routine collapsed and I slipped into a state of anxiety, grief and “what the f*ck is happening to our world?”

Some point between endless Covid-19 news updates, social distancing and mild depression, I forced myself to wake up earlier, dress before noon and try not to eat too many cookies, chips or jujubes.

Each time I washed my hands I reminded myself that I’m blessed, grateful for my life in Canada and I clapped or banged my pots and pans every night at 7pm to show support to our team of local health professionals.

In April this year, instead of my usual complaining about boredom, lack of structure, menial tasks and missing in-studio workouts, I said “FUCK – THAT – ATTITUDE” and I remembered Billy Blanks! During the 90’s Tae Bo craze, I owned the entire VHS set but hadn’t done a pre-recorded workout since.

My VCR is gone but I turned toward online fitness training and challenged myself to exercise every single day to various free YouTube fitness videos for 30, 60 then 90 consecutive days (or donned a face mask like a Ninja for outdoor workouts.)

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Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

I formed and led a Facebook fitness group of a dozen members by inviting friends to join me for these online monthly challenges where we checked in daily with our progress and cheered each other on.

 It wasn’t just guts and willpower that got me through my fitness journey; this collage of people formed “my social fitness village”, kept me accountable and inspired me to persevere.

Days I push myself through a vigorous work out, I can open space within myself to engage with my son, focus on tasks or creative writing.

Days I don’t exercise and choose to binge on junk food coupled with Netflix results in lost sleep, leaving me with an aftermath of low energy, anxiety and a melancholy mood. The sugar addict in me can’t wait for those vulnerable moments and I admit I take delight in this guilty pleasure.

Most days I incorporate exercise and a nutritional diet into my lifestyle but allow space for “cheat-treats” and forgiveness for unwise decision-making between my accomplishments because sometimes I need a f*cking break — and that’s okay. I’m human, life happens and I know that tomorrow I’ll get back on track.

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Photo by Alexander Dummer on Pexels.com

Life is better with chocolate cake – I’m not counting calories when I think in chocolate.

By working hard, enduring the sweat, swearing and tears throughout training, I became muscled, healthier, happier and lost 19 pounds. I’m physically stronger now at age 49 than at 39 (before my geriatric pregnancy).

I’m proud to bare my belly in a bikini after the hard-earned toning of my body parts that resulted from exercise, but there is more pride behind my emergency C-section scar hidden beneath my bikini line. 

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“Staying true to my philosophy and self-mantra – “Try, Mary, Try Photo by Natalie J. McMillan.

Now I can take a breath, quiet my mind and capture a moment to hold my son’s hand and listen to his words, while I press pause on the cranial “to do list.” I connect with him —now— before he grows up and doesn’t want to hang out with Mommy.

I appreciate the simple joy of finding renewed strength to cross the monkey bars to endure chicken fight challenges against my son, until my palms are blistering.

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I feel like a strong mother, leading by example because my son bet that he could do the gruelling, uphill 13k Seek the Peak June 2020 race (now pushed to 2021 due to C-19).

Maybe we’ll hold hands once we reach the Peak of Vancouver summit, before he asks me one last time “are we there yet?”

I’m not someone extraordinary or an ultra-marathon runner and may never be the fastest racer in my age group, but I can climb mountains.

I’m me – striving to meet my ongoing personal fitness challenges and goals. In the realm of exercise, I pushed myself harder the past 18 months than any other period of my life, reviving my energy, confidence and inner strength.

Exercise ignited my fire by empowering me to stay true to my self-mantra I set over one year ago: “Try, Mary, Try” no matter how tough it can be, it’s worth the sweat. I may not be exceptional but I re-discovered through my self-journey that there is — “Something about Mary.”

Light up those candles — this is 50.  I found my shine!

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“Something about Mary…finding my shine.”  Photo by Natalie J. McMillan.
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“Guts, Glory & the Grouse Grind”

Note: Feature photo (“high heels out the window”) courtesy of Liza Lova on Pexels.com

 

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“The B.C. Covid-19 Collection: 2020 Six Word Art Stories created by voices of British Columbia, Canada”

We asked British Columbians how the C-word affects their lives – the beauty, truth, humour and ugliness. Here’s what they said in six words and more.


A visual story album of how the “C word” has affected our lives in British Columbia. From photographs, artwork, graffiti, personal 6-word stories written from adult perspectives, 6-word news glimpses and community snapshots to document uncertain times.

It takes thoughtful effort, collaboration and imagination to create a project like this. We may have different lifestyles, beliefs and perspectives but we all have stories to tell.

Just like the feature photo story, “Finally time to take our time”, I ask that you please take a reflective moment to read each and every six word story of this project and discover the meaning behind each one.

This is what we saw through our Corona-coloured eyeglasses in our beautiful province of British Columbia, Canada.

Our album opens with Part 1: Six Word Stories with Photographs or Artwork written, created and submitted by adult volunteers of this project.

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The feature photograph of this project (black & white photo of girl blowing dandelion puff ball) : “Finally time to take our time.” and the above six 6-word stories were written and photographed by Claudia Ho Lem.

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“Peace in the garden; waiting, remembering.” Story & painting created by L.W.

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“My eternal love for our elderly.” Story & photo by k.m.

Carol I just want ot hug her IMG_5603“I just want to hug her.”  Story & photo (of Carol’s mother) by Carol Carter.

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“Celebrating from afar on joyous occasions.” (on missing the ability to celebrate in person with the whole family) Story & photo by Bruna Lazzano.

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“Inner lives blossom. Lives are close.”  Story & photo by Mia Logie.

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“Good snatched away, hope will triumph.”  Story & photo by Gerry O’day.

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“Newfound respect for full time parents.”  Story & photo by Jeff Winskell.

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“Realizing you’re out of toilet paper.”  Story & photo by Natalie McMillan.

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“Sometimes cheerfulness shows in unexpected places.”  Story & photo by Jenny Morgan.

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“Retreat, Rethink, Resign, Reset, Rejuvenate, Reverie.”  Story & photo by David Geary.

Steve Bush Just happy to be getting out

“Just happy to be getting out.”  Story & photo by Steve Bush.

       “Let the outdoor games begin!”  “Done!”  Story & photos by Victoria.

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“No panic. We are here. Now.”  Story & photo by Jim Derricott.

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“Peace and freedom without Covid 19.”  Story & photo by JB.

Dolores 3IMG_2766“Wife’s first haircut?  Husband: guinea pig.”  Story & photo by Dolores.

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“This s**t has driven me to…”  Story & artwork by P.B.”

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Covid pictures instead of rainbow pictures!” A mother’s perspective on the subject of her daughter’s recent drawings (depicting the corona virus). Story & artwork, Anonymous.

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“Feel great when the body moves.”  By Erina.

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Wishing to the star…seeing friends.Ryo found the first star of the evening and immediately wished upon it to see his friends. Story & photo by Erina.

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Above four 6-word stories written by Shaya Sy-Rantfors.

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Above story & photo by Shaya Sy-Rantfors.

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“No work – more time to garden.” Story and photo by Nancy.

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“Utter satisfaction – growing my  own food.”  Story & photo by Jenny Morgan.

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“Patience, Family, Challenging, Isolated, Strength, Community.” Story & photo by Michelle Kaltenegger.

Phil Evans 84101213_495097501207160_8211579781750194176_n“They painted the hearts upside down.” Story & photo by @captphilevans.

Kristen Buckley image0 (3)“Vision becomes reality – functional, natural art.” Story and table created by Kristen Buckley. Photo by A.B.  (Yes, she made this table. It’s an old growth fir sourced from a timber furniture design business in Squamish, designed from a raw slab that started with bark and all! Legs sourced from Ontario and then the slab was sanded and finished with love.) 

 

Cea Sunrise Persons IMG_7309“A minefield of gratitude and resentment.” Story & photo by CSP.

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“Mama. Yes. Mama. Yes. Mama. Yeeeeeeesssss.”  Story & photo by Susan Little.

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“Hugs overpowering uncertainty, fear and sadness. “ Story & photo by Judith Reyes Metcalfe.

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“My loves, delicate balance, life continues.”  Story & photo by Anna Parkes.

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“Time erases memories. Memories erase time.”  Story & photo by Susan Little.

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“From chaos, freedom emerges, commute-free.” Story & photo by Susan Smith Alexander.

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“Faith in God is believer’s shield.” Story by Agnes Dalisay. Photo by Sophia Stewart featuring her sister, Raquel Stewart.

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“Quarantine yoga. It keeps me grounded.” Story by Christine B. Photo by C.B.

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“Finding my sunshine inside and out.”  Story by Mary Chang.

Next is Part 2 of our album (during PHASE 1): Photographs documenting what we’ve noticed around our community.

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“Playground.” Photo by Shaya Sy-Rantfors.

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“Sidewalk.” Photo by P.B.

 

“Handmade.” Photos by C.B. & J.M.

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Next is Part 2 (continued) of our album (during PHASE 2): Photographs documenting what we’ve noticed in our community.
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Photo by Cecilia Graber Larrea.

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Photo by KS. Inspired by W.C.

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Photo by Natalie McMillan.

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IMG_7192“Beauty, truth, humour, ugliness, nature, art.” Story & photo by M.C. (graffiti artist unknown)

Next is Part 2 (continued) of our album (during PHASE 3): Photographs documenting what we’ve noticed in our community.
(PHASE 3 PHOTOS TO BE UPDATED/CONTINUED)

Lastly, Part 3 of our Album: List of British Columbia and Lower Mainland Highlights During Pandemic, in 6 Word Points:

  • Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau
  • 36th Premier of BC, John Horgan
  • Dr. Bonnie Henry, British Columbia PHO
  • Dr. Teresa Tam, Canada Chief PHO
  • Adrian Dix, BC Minister of Health
  • Nigel Howard, sign language hero
  • First death Lynn Valley Care Home (March 9, first death in Canada)
  • All British Columbia Public Schools Close (March 17)
  • Community centres, libraries, non-essential services close (March/April)
  • Spring camps, extra-curricular activities cancelled (March)
  • Playgrounds, skateboard parks, ski mountains close (March)
  • Some parks, trails, parking lots close (March)
  • Beaches, most parks, trails remain open (March)
  • Restaurants offer take away service only (March/April)
  • Dental practices offer emergency dental only (March)
  • Long hair due to salon closures
  • Social distancing, hand washing, face masks (March)
  • How Coronavirus took Lynn Valley article (Globe & Mail, March 21)
  • Local distilleries make free hand sanitizer (March)
  • Pots, pans, applause at 7pm nightly (for health care workers, March)
  • “Growing up in Quarantineland” by Margaret Atwood (Globe & Mail, March 28)
  • Bonnie Henry & Theresa Tam Art Mural (March)
  • Free online education, fitness, mental health etc (March)
  • Trudeau sends a message through Lego (April)
  • Homeschooling begins online with public schools (mid-April)
  • Parents f*cking hate trying to homeschool (ongoing)
  • Parents appreciate teachers more than ever (ongoing)
  • Dr. Bonnie Henry’s John Fluevog shoes (April)
  • White Caps face-masks to save Aquarium (April)
  • Government Canada Emergency Response Benefit (CERB)
  • Income Tax filing deadline extended June 1
  • Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy (CEWS) support
  • Rent, mortgage, student loan financial support
  • Restrictions ease Victoria Day May weekend
  • We enter Phase 2 for Covid
  • Cruise ships not welcome for summer (May)
  • 6 people gatherings, still no travel
  • North Shore Bowling closes for good (after 59 years! due to C-19, June)
  • Several businesses re-open, others close permanently.
  • Campgrounds set to reopen June 1
  • Voluntary return to school June 1
  • Parents fear making “voluntary” schooling decisions
  • Part-time school, staggering start hours
  • Elementary 50%, Secondary 20% – in class
  • Playgrounds being to re-open June 1
  • When will this f*cking pandemic end?
  • Waiting on vaccine to be created.
  • “Be kind, be calm, be safe.” (Dr. Bonnie Henry’s advice)
  • Phase 3 last week of June
  • Non-essential travel and film production resume
  • Careful travel allowed within the province
  • US Border non-essential travel remains closed
  • Many hotels, accommodations, resorts resume operations
  • Gatherings larger than 50 still banned
  • Limit the people within your bubble
  • Continue hand washing, social distancing, cleaning
  •